I guess its true that many people think alot. We can't say for sure they think more than we do, or we think more than they do. But I've always asked myself WHY I feel that NEED to express these thoughts while others can silently think about it.

I've come to a conclusion that they think, but its just not as important to them so they don't have to type it all out or tell people about it like me.



Shucks. I just lost my train of thoughts. Thought about alot of stuff on the bus which made lots of sense, even typed long smses to a few friends. Am thankful for Syairah, Sarah, Linette and Marian for talking to me these few days. For listening to my troubles, hearing me whine or those million questions I have about myself.

A friend just called to confirm some timings and we talked for 37 minutes. The strange thing is, we don't ever talk in school, I don't even call girls. Most of all, I don't even talk on the phone. I must say I was quite amazed the conversation sustained, of all the random topics that came to our heads.



Coursework ideas... I hate it when I can't do something I want to just because I'm an A'level student and I have to think about the development of my prep board as well.

Ethics vs Morality

Had another discussion with Sarah again but I won't blog about it yet cause I want to write that mini GP essay about what "right", "good" or "best means to a situation or person. I wish I recorded our conversation down just now :/

Photos from yesterday's trip up on facebook! Love you girls alot x100, and all the times spent together in the art room. :)

Still waiting.

Love my art mates! :D

We went to the artmuseum and 8Q today, took loads of photos of the works plus many retarded ones of ourselves. The best parts were when we sat down at macs and had a talk. I really feel so great with the art room or when I'm with them!


The ones I show concern towards don't seem to appreciate it as much, and I don't seem to appreciate the concern shown towards me as much as I should. This is terribly confusing, its as though nothing will be mutual. What a sad world we're living in.

I also wish people would be TOTALLY honest with me.



Rayseen showed this to me: perfectionism (psychology)

Its so us, just that we're perfectionists without the discipline, and must I add, Neurotic perfectionists. The negative aspects completely explains my behaviours...


photos will be up soon! :)

dreams, dreams, dreams

I dreamt of a dream I've had before.

They say what you dream of tell you alot about yourself.


I was playing twinkle twinkle on a horn (some teacher said I had good embouchure, haha) in some music school for 5 minutes at the side of a bus stop because I missed the bus to school (because I HAD to buy some really fresh fruits at some stall near the bus stop). After playing the horn for 5 minutes, I realised I still had time if I took the taxi but it started raining and I couldn't get out of the place. So I freaked out and decided to think about how to get an MC only later. Then I went back to the fruit stall, bought more fruits and the dream ended.

I kind of remind myself of Alice in wonderland... anyway its my 2nd time having this dream, just SLIGHTLY altered this time. Is it to remind me that I'm getting off track and need to focus or else my life would be screwed again? Sounds cheesy so I'll stop here.



The next part of the dream saw myself changing many sets of clothes for the SAM trip later on. Strangely enough, its the third or fourth time a particular (non-exsistent) pair of jeans has shown up in my dream. It was "given to me by an an uncle when we went shopping", and a dress and skirt also appeared for the 2nd time. I NEVER had those clothes...

In the dream, I was having a hard time deciding cause everything gave a different feel. I ended up taking pictures of some cool effects. I'm so indecisive and distracted like that, how true...



I dreamt of a few people in my life too, but I can't remember what they did in my dream. I clearly remember what they did in other dreams, but not this one. They're mostly my friends. Not like I'd write down all of them here anyway.



I don't know why there are always a few destinations I dream of. There used to be this dark room with flight of stairs leading to a flat ground (of short distance) and another flight of stairs leading me back to the floor. I viewed it from eye level and my brother's primary school friend was running up and down once.

I was running up and down that weird structure in another dream.




I still feel quite annoyed. and I was insane enough to tell Sarah how I felt last night at 3 am. Of all people! Grrr.

Couldn't sleep well last night and I can't believe my first time having insomnia at night is due to such a stupid reason!

I think I feel quite annoyed. Like really quite annoyed.

Its almost 3 I better get to sleep.

know yourself. its the longest cohesive friendship you can ever have

I'm still afraid to ask for photos to be taken. I hesitate. I always hesitate and wait for people to come to me unless I really have the need to approach them first. It always makes me happy when people ask for photos to be taken. I just never ask first (rarely). I'm so strange like that.

College day performance was good :) Spent the entire day in school doing art (but feeling really distracted and not myself)

Somehow the day still felt like a pretty sweet one cause I got a bowl of tauhuey out of nowhere (came as a surprise), my friend offered to pack lunch for me since I had to do art and couldn't have lunch with them as promised, I had a little homecooked food though it wasn't cooked for me (and was offered some).

Not to mention the day was laced with girly things I felt so much like a girl today.



Its 3:46 am now, just had a 3 hour talk with my dad about issues of the heart. Made me understand more about why I think so much and my inner conflicts. About other people too. The rest are safely written in my diary.

Yesterday was well-spent too, where I tried oil paint for the first time (and it was extremely fun) and the evening was great too cause we travelled.. all over.

updates on my life another day.
(ohyes i just got a new 1TB harddrive 8D)

Goodnight :)

Insignificantly enough we both have significant others

This phrase always jumps out at me whenever I listen to "day late friend", because it reminds me of oxymorons (its obviously not one).

How did the day pass? I survived even though I only had 2 hours of sleep last night. Unfortunately, what i studied for (in detail) didn't appear in today's geography test so I'm still screwed. On my way to school, my heart was pumping at a rate faster than normal and I felt slightly breathless. Been drinking too much coffee lately. :/

I must definitely thank Linette for teaching me atmo and answering my questions. Hope you'll be alright soon, its all in our minds! :) While I'm at that, I'll take the chance to thank Sarah for "waiting for me half her life in srjc" too. HAHA. My art mates are all so awesome! (Not forgetting syairah, nadiah and ebe too)

Studying with Marian and Sarah yesterday was uh.. "entertaining". They had fun bullying me and I had fun retaliating, but Sarah ended up sitting on my bread.. Oh, I've got a cool name. "Emma goes to watson's" invented by Stony Sarah smells stinky socks and Marian makes (inserts name starting with M) moan. HAHAHAHA.


A little incident happened after cca, I think I'm not one who places too much importance on respect because I didn't get mad when a junior kind of 'shouted' at me for putting my file on something. It did leave me alittle shocked though.

A little orange piece of paper with random inklings managed to escape from my book, unlike many others scattered around my room.


I'm too tired to think now. Nights.

Are letters meant for the letterbox?

Are letters meant for the other party, or are they actually meant for your own emotions? Is telling yourself that its meant for the other party just an excuse? Because its to help the other party understand YOU.

(Why do we always want others to understand us? I admit I blog because I want some people to understand that part of me.)

Anyway. Even if they're simple notes to show our appreciation, what's our true intention of letting them know that we care? For the pure intention of making them happy, or to make ourselves secure just to see them happy?

I'm a person who thinks all humans are their own worlds, in the sense that everything we do goes back to what we need FIRST. Selfish?

People do voluntary work because they feel the sense of satisfaction, is helping for the sense of satisfaction the same as the act of helping? In the first place, does helping for the sake of helping even exist since we all think of ourselves first?



Anyway, that's digression. Back to the letters.

Its strange how I always write long letters depicting my true emotions and never send them out. Yet I feel much better after writing them. It feels as though the other party will understand just because I wrote that letter. (even though its left undelivered)

Going back to the point where everything will change when you change your OWN perspective even if the situation remains the same. Maybe its because I'm always all set out to deliver them, get everything planned on how to do that and it feels as though it has all happened already.

Perhaps its in my nature to assume that some people will understand me just because I think I understand them quite abit.



Only had the courage to deliver a few letters last year, and maybe it was because I desperately wanted them to understand me. Opportunities also play a great role in that, like how sending a note during christmas wouldn't be as weird as sending out a random letter.


I must admit I love random letters much more,
I just don't know why I never dare to send them out.

I think we're all afraid of what people might think. Not just what they think of us, but the way they view our friendship. I'm afraid people would think I'm thinking too much or being too sensitive and instead of reading the letter filled with sincerity, they'll just think its dumb.

I never realised it until now. I think I'm afraid of the rejection of my efforts, I'm afraid of being seen as someone who tries too hard even though there isn't a need to, or that they'll shun me after that. (like how some might go "eww omg freaky, I don't even treat her as a close friend yet she's writing all these mushy crap!")

For me, I'm afraid of letting the other party know that our friendship is not mutual. Sometimes they mean more than I mean to them, and I'm afraid of letting them know that. I'm afraid they'll think its dumb of me to do so, and its best left unknown in case they get annoyed by me or freaked out.

At other times, I mean more to them than they mean to me. Somehow, I'm never afraid to show that because I'd show it if I don't want to be so close. But if I want to, I'll go all out for it so that it'll be mutual.

Typing the previous paragraph just made me sound really selfish.



The feeling of having somebody important to you (yet it isn't mutual) sucks, but holding on to that hope that things will change someday allows you to discover all sorts of ways in which you can show your appreciation towards others and see how far a friendship can be stretched.

I believe hope can drive us to do all sorts of nice things to others to bring that friendship to a higher level. Ironically, I always fail to take the first step because of the fear of letting them know they mean more to me than I mean to them (or am I just being pessimistic?)


Sometimes, I think I don't understand myself more than others understand themselves. I don't even think I reflect enough. Even though I say I've got complex thoughts, I think they're not that complex sometimes. I think I'm just able to be honest with myself. At least I try to.

Yeah, one should ALWAYS be honest with herself.

.. and then I realised my only 'mistakes' were to have those feelings of which I had no control over. Sometimes I wonder why I retreated, and why I feel fine not getting the chance to explain my side of the story.

I don't know if I hate you, I don't know if I'm afraid of you, I don't know if I even care about what I should think about you. I only know what you did to me wasn't right, and all the things you said aren't true. I only know you helped me ruin alot of things between myself and a few friends.

Why did I let myself retreat without letting others know about the truth, or at least what I've got to say. I guess I've already lost all faith and hope in the matter. But like they say, time heals all wounds. I just hope things will get better slowly. They'll never, ever be the same, but they'll definitely be better.

But you know what, I have no intentions of smiling at you yet. Just you alone. Painfully glaring true colours of yours.

My conflicting inner selves finally erupted today.

I don't know if feeling better is a good thing, because the paragraphs I had in my mind this morning just disappeared. & I hate the feeling of being unable to record all my emotions. It makes me feel as though I won't have any mistakes to learn from since I can't even remember them.

I badly wanted to go to school in the morning even though the coffee I drank left me wide awake even at 5:30 am. After skipping school so regularly on mondays, I made a promise to not skip school no matter what. So I told my mom to wake me up 10 minutes later than usual.

Imagine the shock I had when the clock read 8:59 when I opened my eyes. My mom didn't want me to go through the day with just 20 minutes of sleep and decided to not wake me up. I didn't know how to react when she told me that, because I would hurt her if I got angry. I mean, she did that cause she cared, but I had to pay for the consequences... I controlled myself.

I wanted to go to school so badly, yet the plans got ruined. I wanted to be responsible for a change and prove it to others, but failed to because of another person. People would think I'm running away again just because I kept escaping in the past. I so badly wanted to change myself, but because of that people will lose abit more trust in me again. I hate it when people's perception of others rarely change, especially when they're bad.

There were consequences to me being late today. Probably the early bird programme. Despite that, I still wanted to attend art tutorial and sit through the lessons even though I knew I'd be tired. Because I really wanted to see a change in me.

I wanted people to see the change in me and stop thinking I'm an irresponsible kid. I'm sick and tired of being so hopeless and useless. I'm sick of disappointing others, sick of not meeting my own expectations. I erupted because my plans of trying so hard failed.

& I wasn't the one who didn't want to go to school.



This isn't even a fraction of what I had in my mind today.

My brother needs the computer now.


I want to send out all the letters I've written.
But I don't dare to. I'm afraid of misinterpretations.

It hurts so bad. Everything's dragging me down. I need to find an escapade. I need to find the time to talk it all out. I'm confused.



I'm glad I have my friends and family (and teachers) with me. The art room's really like our second home, and thankyou Sarah for your note and presents. Loved them alot :) Even though my mom's decision of not waking me up caused many problems, I guess this is still a blessing in disguise for it helped me understand more about what my worries are.

Interestingly, life's much better when you're able to find faults with nobody but yourself. It helps you accept whatever people say easily, which is important on our journey to becoming a better person. Buck up, you fool.

Two photos from the Iceland volcanic eruption. (put up on diigo) I quote miss kwan (who quoted from the famous quote) "If life throws you lemons, make lemonade!". How true. Beautiful, aren't they.

(I think the last one isn't from martin creed)

I don't know why martin creed made so many of these. If one were to actually put all the photos from his "everything is going to be alright" series together, it'll kinda look as though he's only trying to 'brainwash' us with the optimistic phrase. Doesn't make life seem more optimistic for me in any sense.

Maybe I'm just being cynical.

(well, he made this too..)

I also stumbled upon this while researching for my art coursework and figured it might be of some help. Read it or google it (which I'm going to do so in a few short moments).

Philosophy of Perception

This sentence kind of struck me: Self-perception is an illusion of the ego, and cannot be trusted to decide what is in fact real. Do our perceptions allow us to experience the world as it "really is"? Can we ever know another point of view in the way we know our own? I wonder what's making me think about all these lately.



I like how I'm reading new materials everyday to give me ideas for art, but I've still the problem of putting it in visual form and I don't even have the time to execute them in the first place. Or have the time to think.

JC life is killing me, yet I wouldn't mind living as a student. I kind of like studying in a school, in this kind of environment but it'd be nicer if we were given much more time to read up on other things.

There isn't enough time for me to read my textbooks either, sometimes I do think about how being a JC2 repeat isn't that bad. Cause I'm struggling alot right now as a result of my procrastination.

I'd like to share a few ideas/experiments briefly before I start on my work. Gp class was quite an eye-opener for the fact that it developed a little interest in me for the political scene. I guess the only reason why I didn't like it in the past was because nobody was there to help me take the first step, to motivate me to research further.


Anyway, we were showed some videos of two social experiments, "the milgram experiment" and "the third wave". (click on the links)

(Wikipedia might not be a very credible source but it'll do)

The Milgram experiment measured the willingness of study participants to obey an authoritative figure who instructed them to perform acts that conflicted with their personal conscience. Devised by a psychologist Stanley Milgram to answer the question as to why many Nazi soldiers still killed people during the Holocaust despite the fact that all humans should have a sense of morality, the results of the experiment suggested that it could have been that the millions of accomplices were merely following orders, despite violating their deepest moral beliefs.

The third wave was to demonstrate the appeal of fascism. It wasn't documented in detail but there was a film based on it. I'll write more about it if I've got the time but since I'm not THAT interested in that one, I might as well use the time on other things.


One last one experiment, Mary's room. Its a proposed thought experiment that attempts to establish that there are non-physical properties and attainable knowledge that can be discovered through conscious experience.

"In other words, Jackson's Mary is a scientist who knows everything there is to know about the science of color, but has never experienced color. The question that Jackson raises is: once she experiences color, does she learn anything new?"

Does the word superficial mean fake or just shallow?

I wish there was something I could do to help.

All the ones around me the past two days, all sorts of problems and disappointments. All I could do was to listen and give a little advice, and support. I feel so helpless, wish I was better in comforting others. Like how a few managed to cheer me on.

Cause you had a bad day... (daniel powter, how apt)
yeah bad day for me, at least.


I'm losing my mind.
I'm losing something AGAIN. Again, and again.
I'm losing another part of my happiness.
I've tried hard to lose some memories.
I want to lose my heart, yet I don't want to.

I wish I'd lose my sanity
and use it as an excuse for everything.

One and three chairs by Joseph Kosuth

Everything is something in itself


One and three chairs by Joseph Kosuth

Some of you may have seen this conceptual piece, its basically made up of a real chair, a photo of the chair and the definition of a chair next to it. The question is, what is real here? We may be able to single out the photo easily, but what about the definition and the object itself?

The answer is that the definition is real; Without a definition, one would never know what an actual chair is. But does that make the chair unreal, for it is just an object without the definition?



Which brings me to a question Sarah asked me yesterday about how we fit into our names or our names fit us when we were born. Its like how you look at somebody and say, "she has the emma face". Most of the time, they're not true but when the person tells you their name you'll immediately go "ohyeah, her name DOES suit her".

What are we trying to mean when we say a name suits a person? Is it because we associate a certain name (eg. john) with a certain image/face? Or is it that we've seen a few "John"s, find something common in their faces so whichever person with that feature would look like a "John" to us? Or...? (all opinions are welcome)

Can we apply the same theory to objects?




I think Kosuth's pretty interesting. Mona Hatoum, Francis Bacon and Lucian Freud might help me with the development of my boards too.

Conceptual art and minimalism interests me quite a bit, perhaps I should go that direction and see what I can do with expressionistic styles. They suit me well because its art combined with perplexing thoughts. All I gotta do is to find a style of my own to put my thoughts in visual form. I think I love art enough to want to create more pieces in the future besides my final coursework. I'm so confused.


The internet's annoying. I was all ready to start on my prep board when the internet died on me and its now taking FOREVER to load images/pages. How am I supposed to draw now?! I spent the whole of today in school again, with KJ joining sarah and I in the afternoon. Lets just say I've got lots more work to do. At least I'm more prepared for prep boards! :]

This blog is getting terribly boring, I'll be the next one to admit how addictive it is to write in a diary with a personal touch.

We got our As for PW, we're happy and we're moving on.
Think I'm more worried for the prep boards :(

Finally got to meet up with Kaiying and Ashley today, looking at them makes our lives seem so boring. Its school, school and school everyday.

and... I don't know how I should feel about certain things, or what to do. Also, I deleted some stuff today. I'm finally letting go.

Rachael Yamagata - I wish you love (cover)

So much for moving away from the quiet songs. I've just got a fascination for this kind of music. There's just this certain quality in them.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love

And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love.

Actually, I've got loads to say but its fine cause its getting late. Cutting my name (and syai's) outta styrofoam keeps me energetic. & I feel good about writing the essay about conscience today cause much thought have been put into it although I'm not sure about how coherent it is.

Been a really great day from maths lecture till the end of the day :] I'm content with life the way it is. Time to buck up on all my subjects.

Drats I've been rather isolated from the world lately.

Alright, so its just been a day. A normal kind of day without much trouble, and not too much fun either. Just normal. I spent the whole day in class or in the art room and somehow I only remember seeing my art mates and just a few of my classmates the entire day, and a few from gp class. Which was about it.

Not to mention I spent half the time dozing off in class (fortunately there were only 4 lessons), and even while I was painting. That resulted in me falling asleep the moment I got home and the fact that I'm awake at 5:30 am only means there's work to be done.

An essay about how conscience has no value today. (it came in the form of a punishment for not commenting on diigo, which i completely forgot about)



This post doesn't have much particular meaning to it, perhaps its aimed to make me feel less isolated from the world. Like that makes sense.

That apart, my weekends were quite wonderful with some excitement from the display on saturday and a great time on the rooftop on sunday. Maybe I talked a little too much, should always try to listen to others too.

On an Island out in the sea, I wouldn't care what they think of me,
But in this crowded room, I believe that I'm seconds from insanity

Well honestly, I think I might be losing my head again.
They're not even simple things like how life is miserable.

Life isn't being far too miserable for me, I'm just thinking even when things are fine and I can' t help it. I want those who're able to understand me to listen, but situations just don't allow me to do that. Everything's contradicting each other.
I feel so suffocated.



I've been listening to Toxic Valentine and now, this.

People need changes and its just that I've decided to move away from the quiet music for awhile. & there are so many reasons to it.

Madina Lake - Welcome to oblivion

On an island out in the sea,
I wouldn't care what they think of me,
But in this crowded room, I believe
That I'm seconds from insanity.

'Cause her eyes just rip me all apart,
And my temperamental mind decides that I'm the enemy.

Welcome to oblivion,
Where panic starts to settle in.
Welcome to oblivion,
Oh, I think I'm losing it.

So many voices, I can't even sleep,
Typical in night company.
They ask questions about my life,
"Where is he going?"
Who am I?

And those voices rip me all apart.
I need medicine to quiet and to find it.

Welcome to oblivion,
Where panic starts to settle in
And I'm afraid of everything.
Oh, I lost my head again.

Welcome to oblivion,
Where my whole life is caving in
And I can't stand who I am.
Oh, I think I'm losing it.

I lost my head again.

Then I met you.
You were standing all alone 'cause you felt it too.
The world has broken you down.
You and me are gonna make it through
'Cause now we know there's people like us.

As I fall apart inside,
All of my thoughts collide,
And that's no way to live a life.
Oh, I think I'm losing it.

Welcome to oblivion,
Where panic starts to settle in
And I'm afraid of everything.
Oh, I lost my head again.

Welcome to oblivion,
I gotta get off the medicine
'Cause I can't stand who I am.
Oh, I think I'm losing it.

her heart beats red wine

The words I typed in the previous post don't seem as complex when I read it, maybe I don't express myself well in the form of words all the time. Everything's kept in my mind, anyway :]



(sorry to Annia for mixing the dates up!! D: I'll make it up to you soon, a day out before the hols?)

SYF military bands display with Shanhui today :]

Only managed to get a shot of the mace in the air, can you spot it?




.. its the one i circled in white HAHA.






its the typical toilet shot but we it felt like a better idea than pointing the camera at ourselves at that moment hahaha.



Honestly, thoughts are thoughts and words are words. Why did I bother trying to put my thoughts into words and words into thoughts? They're not the same, and how many people can truly understand now?

I know the vp said we should keep things simple,
but I'd rather stay complicated/complex like that

Its funny how my wish about having somebody to talk to about my inner thoughts came true today. I'm really glad it did, because I feel relieved that I'm not the only person who's got such complex thoughts. The kind of things going through our minds really scare us, which made us wonder if we're actually normal.

The person's Sarah :]

We ended up talking for close to 3 hours in the art room about these things about the truth, perception, reality, illusions, what's fake and what's not, how everything is in our minds, how suicide isn't what we think it is, supposed definitions (there's no such thing), how we are unconsciously being conscious here, relationships and a whole long list. It sounds really philosophical/psychological in a sense.


Do we actually 'create' our own friends by picking out the qualities we want in them? So is everything in our world 'created' by ourselves? ... are we real? There's seriously no such thing as the truth, because we can still perceieve the 'truth' as something fake, and doubt it.

Are we who we think we really are? Are there such things as unconscious actions, or only unconscious thoughts with a conscious action that follow? By trying to be real, are we actually being real by being so conscious about it? Is there even such thing as freedom? What will happen to us when we die?

Is pessimism as bad as what society definines it as? How do people even know who you really are? Wouldn't it be scary if they only like you for who you are on the outside? (but its impossible for them to REALLY know who you REALLY are) Is there such thing as a 'common' school of thought when we don't exactly know what people are made of? Why do we like finding things we have in common with others?


EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR MIND. EVERYTHING. Its about your perception of things, who am I? who are YOU?



This is probably my first time sharing such thoughts with somebody, because nobody ever understands all these things that go through my mind. (or I haven't got the chance to talk to them) Both of us were so thrilled to find out and the questions just kept coming out. Its really difficult to put all these into words, but the sharing sessions HONESTLY felt SO GOOD.

We both agreed these thoughts kind of torment us sometimes, but we wouldn't be ourselves without these thoughts anymore. Plus I TRIED being simple but it didn't make me any happier. Having new things to think about gives me a reason to live.

I wonder if I'll take this post down soon, and I wonder who'll read this. I wonder if this is far too personal for a blog, but I think I don't mind it at all. (yet I do, sometimes) I wonder if this will kill me..? I wonder if this lack of privacy will affect others? Do people mind?



Now I'm more than certain we can read expressions or people somtimes. I'm really interested to know who's like us (although it'll be impossible to define the entire conversation, those who really know might know)

I know we're not the only ones who have such COMPLICATED thoughts. It'd just be cool if everybody like that were to come together.



& what I've mentioned isn't even half of what we talked about. But it'd be scary for all of you to know, anyway. Like, this isn't safe afterall...

If there's anything I want to do, its to have heart-to-heart talks with the ones who can understand my thoughts. To be honest around a friend and hope things will be solved. To get back to my friends whom I was so close to (a few).

At least I know I'm not the only one with thoughts like that, I wished I had the whole night to talk about these things, too bad we had to go. As I'm beginning to understand myself more, I find myself a slightly better person. (I suppose).



Right after all those troubles from the past have been more or less solved (within me), another one has to pop out. Sometimes I really wish I could have a conversation with my brain. It'd go something like this:

Me: "brain, can you stop analysing stuff so often? & can you have some control over heart so she wouldn't give me endless streams of trouble?"

Its a terrible thing to not be able to control your heart, because it kinda controls the way you think too. Life's unfair, how can the heart control your brain when your brain can't control your heart? (yes I know emotions are from your brain too) Glad I'm at least able to focus on my studies a little better to care about these things. I'd love to dig my pumping heart out.



Call me nasty, but your absence these days made my life a whole lot better. I don't know if I'm afraid of you, but life's just better this way.

Writing on my diary forces me to think quite abit, and the best part is that I can jot down anything and everything whenever, wherever.


I saw this Auntie selling tissues in the morning yesterday, and this group of secondary school kids gave her a buck and didn't take the tissues. Somehow the auntie was really persistent and kept asking them to take it (even with a disappointed face at some point) but they still refused repeatedly (politely). In the end, the auntie ended up saying "you all really don't want? thanks ah girl!"

Which left me wondering, why did the auntie want them to take it so badly? (to the extent of giving a :( face) Does she not know that we want her to 'save' on the tissue costs? Or that we feel an act of kindness shoudn't come with a reward?

What would she actually be thinking/feeling when 1) people take the tissues from her ; 2) they don't. & what would be going through her mind whenever somebody donates to her? When she says 'thankyou', does she really feel happy that people are helping her, or is it just an act of courtesy? Last question, should we take the tissues from them then?


That's a whole load of questions, just wondering. My mind can get much more complicated than this and I don't know if its good or bad.

I quite appreciate the fact that we're honest around each other. Being honest isn't just about stating the good things, but it isn't criticising either. It feels good to not have something in your chest all the time, and it helps me understand a little more about myself too.

I'm going to write on a diary on my bus journey every morning, regarding my thoughts from random everyday observations from strangers' expressions to their tiniest actions. There's so much you can learn from them.

My geog teacher talked to me again (I found her after class). She's such a wonderful teacher, one I wouldn't bear to disappoint.

Your heart will lead you home

sunny days and starry nights
lazy afternoons
you count the castles in the clouds
and hum little tunes

but somehow right before your eyes
the sun fades away
everything is different
and everything has change

if you feel lost and on your own
and far from home
you never alone, you know

just think of your friends
the ones who care
they all will be waiting there
with love to share
and your heart will lead you home

funny how a photograph can take you back in time
to places and embraces
that you thought you left behind

they're trying to remind you
that you're not the only one
that no one is an island
when all has said and done

there'll come a day when you're losing your way
and you won't know where you belong
they say that home is where your heart is
so follow your heart know that you can't go wrong


DISNEY SONGS :D

Don't plan to sleep much tonight.

Think hormonal changes to my body will be back to haunt me soon (I'm just exaggerating, they dont' usually give me moodswings that are too terrible) Maybe that's the reason why I was so emotionless and cold with that straight face today. Not to mention, thinking too much.

You know, I can never achieve anything at home. The school should be open till 12am, I'm not even achieving what I'm supposed to.

Something made me put "beyond the sea" on repeat the whole day. (whenever I've got the chance to listen to it) I swear I was soooo reluctant to pull out my earphones when maths tutorial started.


Robbie Williams - Beyond the sea

I like the original by Bobby Darin too, but William's version was the one I kept listening to today (soundtrack from finding nemo).

Swing, jazz or blues will always be awesome for all moods :]

Que Sera Que Sera, between you and me

Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam - Lost in Emotion

Addictive! Its our school's old college dance song, btw.


After all that fuss about spending 13 long hours in school today, I ended up going only for the last 6 hours. I would've have finished up much more of that painting if not for GP. Anyhow, there's an econs test tomorrow and I should... read up on abit I guess.

Oh, I stuck to that promise of reading on the bus (instead of playing taptap, stoning or sleeping). So I better sleep early and stick to that :)



& I haven't been saying sorry to people much because I'm afraid those situations don't call for it. Cause 'sorry' is meant to be genuine and when you're not really very extremely sorry, you shouldn't say it. (even if you ARE feeling apologetic)

People may think I'm rude but to me, that's better than giving absolutely no value to my 'sorry's. So if I really say that in the future, take a seriously. Thanks.

(but I use it whenever needed as an act of courtesy, just not when something bad happens but isn't bad enough) Making it up to that person might be a better option :)

I wanted to apologize for leaving you alone during consultation today and that you were in the situation as me yet you pressed on and I didn't (which kinda makes people go wth that's so unfair, I guess). Just wanted you to know :]

(and I don't usually praise people so if i do, I really mean it too)

Plans for the future: spend less time on time-wasting activities (such as facebook) and read sensible materials when I'm not reading school-related things. So I realised I prefer finding out about myself to researching for subject-related materials. I don't suppose that's too good considering my A'levels are in a few months' time... at least I know what I want. If that's a suitable consolation.

Open your ears, listen to the words of others. For they might understand you more than you think they do, or more than you do so yourself.

Cry, let your sorrow out, free yourself of the pain.

Don't hide your crying face, wipe your tears away. That's the moment you'll get closer to yourself and accept who you were. Crying isn't a sign of weakness, only the weak hold the tears back for they do not dare to accept themselves.

I wonder how many books about psychology, philosophy, the human condition and relationships my dad has read just to improve on himself? All the courses he had attended, and all his daily reflections -- just to understand more about himself, to find out why he wasn't happy.

We all have something we struggle with, and is it our ultimate goal to find what it is and solve it, no matter how long it'll take?



I want to be able to understand myself. I want to help the people I love too. I want to find somebody who can talk things out with me just like my dad in the future. (but that's moving on to the topic about my future partner, which is a little far-fetched.)

Doing things I like didn't exactly satisfy me. I want to help people though I'm not sure if I'll be able to love everyone enough to help them. It already takes alot of effort to love somebody more than yourself. It'd be mighty great if I were able to.



I'll find the calamity within me, what is it? All I have to do is search. I've got my whole lifetime to do so. I'm only seventeen.




Kit Chan - Home

I didn't post this up because of the title. The tune just came to my mind so I clicked on it. Well I've always liked this song, don't we all! :D

I've never cried so hard in a long, long time.

People never understood why I always appear to be so tense yet I don't do anything to correct my mistakes. I never understood myself either. I thought everybody had given up on me despite their 'encouraging' words, I thought they said all those but secretly thought I was a failure.

I knew I was capable of much, much more. But I was afraid of putting in alot of effort without having any result. I know that would happen because I don't have any foundation in many of my subjects. I spent too much time telling myself I've wasted too much time and its far too late.

I tried picking myself up the last few weeks, but I never really did. I tried forcing myself to work, but it never came from my heart.

I spent the past 2 months blaming my emotions when I couldn't concentrate. When I knew it was no longer the problem, I reverted back to an aimless self. I secretly hoped my body would collapse one day in order for me to escape. Its true.




Never did I know my father understood my pain, I could feel it when he was talking to me. They were words from the heart, and not just a negative reflection of reality. He understood, understands me.

This song is just one out of the million songs I love.
The last time I listened to it was last year.
The lyrics aren't meaningful or beautiful or whatsoever.
It does not echo my sentiments or anything,

but when I listened to it today, something in me asked me to post this up. The lyrics are girly and cheesy and I don't usually put stuff like this on my blog, neither do I put things that shout "oh I'm sooooo in loooovveee" (not as often, anyway). The best part about the song is the tune.

.. anyway, my mind asked me to share this so here it is.

Plumb - real life fairytale

You ran around inside my head, when you passed out,
I felt dead, and I realized you make me live,
And when my world starts to cave in,
You jump inside and take my hand...
No matter where, you are there....

Will I ever see what you could see in me,
Or do I just believe that we will always be
and dream.

Well I will never be the same and when they see that you and me were meant to be they'll just believe why we are together.

You are my light,
You are my star,
You are my sunshine and my dark,
You are the everything I dreamed about…
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about….
A real life fairy tale

I thought that I would be alone,
You caught my eye and I was home,
And I realized that this is love.
I see the world with different eyes,
I look at you by my side,
No matter where you're always there.

Will I ever see what you could see in me,
Or do I just believe that we will always be
and dream.

Well I will never be the same and when they see that you and me were meant to be they'll just believe why we are together.

You are my light,
You are my star,
You are my sunshine and my dark,
You are the everything I dreamed about…
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about….

Dream with me....
Make me believe....
That this is a real life fairy tale.

You are my light,
You are my star,
You are my sunshine and my dark,
You are the everything I dreamed about…
You are the guy who stole my heart
I am the girl you're always fighting for
We have a love people dream about….

A real life fairy tale
A real life fairy tale
A real life fairy tale

Well, okay. I find enjoyment in doing whatever my mind tells me to.

Searching for ideas for my coursework makes me so frustrated. I actually feel excited about getting the chance to draw or do an installation, BUT I've got too much requirements and it gets me stuck all the time. I want to create a piece of work that is

1) personal
2) philosophical (or even slightly perplexing)
3) impactful (gives them room to think)
4) interactive
5) soothing (maybe)
6) able to touch one's senses


especially the first 4 points, they're must-haves in my work.

Just got out a big blank piece of paper, hope it works.

{edit}
I should seriously interview people more often. My friend just made everything sound so simple when I spent so much time over-analysing and making the word so complex. But...I'm still confused about the direction of my coursework
{/edit}

I like my blog persona more than my one in real life simply because I can convey my emotions more clearly through writing. My words don't come out the way I had imagined them to be whenever I speak.

People say everything online is not genuine, but to me it is. This blog is as honest as it can get. Actually, I'm more or less made up of the words here and my facial expressions. My expressions can be read way too easily. Its difficult to hide, that means I can't lie either.

No, correction. I'm only made up of my own thoughts and emotions, and nobody will fully understand unless I choose to tell them (either through written words or verbally). This contradicts what people say. Even with face-to-face conversation, we can never truly understand someone. Some people are also excellent in masking everything with their facial expression so I wonder what makes that "much more genuine".


Just another take on this issue. I think its depends on the individual, everything's dependent on the individual. Some people are really cheaters on the internet while some others are not.

I forgot why I wanted you all to know I won't lie here.

It'd be nice to lock this up and only allow a few friends to read this, but I don't know if they'll feel obliged to read it if I gave them the password. Also, I don't mind ..

(discontinued)

(10th april 2012: what?)

Its the experience that makes everything worthwhile

Like I've mentioned in the previous post, the girls and I went out to town to celebrate Siyun's birthday - she's the first one amongst us to turn eighteen!

Plans of the day were as simple as:

1) picnic-ing
2) polaroid shots
3) cake-decorating

Food was good (Siyun's mom cooked the best food as usual), some spillages here and there (which resulted in anna's pair of colourful white shorts), and Annia's ham sandwich was the first item which made me break my fast.

You see, it was Good Friday yesterday and Catholics were supposed to fast. Oh right, I was studying with Nelson, Laurencia, Rahul and Melissa and I had to go through a few hours with a cup of rich chocolate ice blended and plates of yummy food in front of me. I guess that's the least I could do for being a not-so-faithful catholic. I'm still in the midst of trying and I hope I will.

Picnic was as picnic-y as it could get with all the mess here and there or rounds of "would you rather", or whatever stuff girls would talk about. We soon took out the rented polaroid camera for 8 group shots (two turned out terrible and they're with me, the rest looked magical) and looked like city girls in them :]



Then I decided to buy a new packet of polaroids for a little photography trip on my own - just to be UTTERLY disappointed because I couldn't get the shots that looked so good in the viewfinder. I'll read up more on them next time. The trip bought me a little experience I could never forget:

I GAVE ONE AWAY TO AN INDIAN GAY COUPLE.

This isn't meant to be offensive in whichever way you should view it, but its an omg-seriously?-worthy story to narrate right?


So these two guys spotted me with it and shyly asked "is it expensive? Can we have one?". At first I was abit like, "eh... its abit expensive..." (I only had a few shots left at that time and its 13 bucks for 10 shots) but decided it'd be quite cool to give one away, anyway.

So I agreed on the condition that they'd let me take a photo of that polaroid. They happily agreed and posed for me under the evening sky.

Too bad it turned out like the night sky.

So I said the friendly goodbye and somehow I met them again at the escalator. I went up to them and asked if they could pose WITH the polaroid and they decided to pose for me in a hugging position without the polariod -.- right.

too bad I didn't capture that moment. This is sweet enough I guess:

.. and that guy asked me for my number and I politely refused. Guess what, he went "do you want mine??". then I gave the uh-no-thanks-I'll-smile-just-to-be-safe face and walked away. Did they want my number so I could give them more free shots in the future or what?!

I concluded that they're gay from the way they wanted a photo of themselves SOOOOO badly and the way they hugged. Hmm, I shall cease to comment any further, lest my mind gets clogged up with issues about rights and all.

End of adventure.

It kinda gave me this VERY STRONG URGE to take photos of strangers and give it to them but I only had one shot left and wanted to use it for the cake-decorating shot later. Maybe next time :]

Its the entire experience, not being able to keep the polariod that makes everything worthwhile. Photography's pretty fun and interactive!

Then I tried something I've always wanted to try:

firstly, the idea isn't original. I just wanted to try it.
secondly, it was a failed shot because the polaroid camera didn't capture the words "LIBRARY @ ESPLANADE" properly and there isn't much going on in the picture.... :/



I returned to the girls (looking bored and in a rush) so we set off to 313. I think I was being a loner for not bringing my phone with me during the tour around esplande myself :(

a few photos of the cake and the rest are on fb (as usual):

In the end, only the a few of us were happily squiggling on it. Anna and i would make totally great partners cause she can give me the ideas and i'll draw 'em! Anyway, check out our cool 3D things!

hearts


kaaasae car

(that pink breast-look-alike-thing was supposed to be a 3d drum, but the gooey icing failed me. So i turned it into a cupcake but I guess it preferred to be a big boob. Drew a smaller one next to it cause there was enough space! haha)

her cake also included pictures of:
a sperm
a stehthoscope
2d drum
a microphone
a first-aid-cross

especially for our doctor wannabe/PA enthusiaste/drum lover.

and here's a phot of us digging the cake. (which was delicious)

abit on the messy side so I wouldn't mind decorating another one!!!!! The best part was that we got a 6 inch cake for the price of a 4 inch one and didn't realise it until we started diggin' into it.



Some cam-whoring, shopping, chatting and rounds of doing nothing before we headed home.

(sec two pose man)


obviously bored kids...


picnic!


ashley wearing my boots! :D


Love you girls :D

On the wonderful night, I also got reminded of how much I love talking to strangers and taking photos still make me as happy as ever. I like the kind of satsifaction you get from interacting with strangers cause I won't have to care about what they think.